Pushing myself out of the bed,
I take a moment to think – what do I wear today?
A smile, a laugh, a frown or maybe my true face?
But then what is my true face?
I search around me,
I search within myself,
and I search everywhere.
Search as I may desperately,
I can’t find it anywhere.
Do I keep going down my memory,
to search for when I might have lost it,
with a hope that if I knew when? I could figure out where.
Only to realize I must have lost it forever.
Lost it the first day I said ‘yes’,
when I wanted to say ‘No’
‘No’- I want to say,
‘No’ – I want to shout,
‘No’ – I want to say it again and again
But all that I hear myself say is ‘Yes’
Like someone else is talking in my stead.
Or is it me talking in someone else’s stead?
Oh! They are all good people who consider asking me politely,
Consider politely to ask “If I want to say no?”
And then look expectantly into my eyes.
Looking into their eyes the expectation is overwhelming,
and that is when I loose myself,
only to realize I have already said ‘yes’.
They are happy, happy that I comply.
I think to myself ‘Why can’t you see?’
Why can’t you see that I am not happy?
But I already know the answer.
I already know that all it takes is a single word – ‘No’
So, it’s not your mistake.
But mine and mine alone.
My mistake that I don’t have a face of my own
So I don’t blame you but blame myself
That I was stupid enough to lose my face
And so I get out of my bed
Once again wearing a face that is not my face.